After stumbling across destructive advice, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kelly Flanagan writes a letter to his daughter about what really matters in a relationship.
“…Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.
Your eternally interested guy,
Daddy”
Quite a few thoughts have been running through my mind since my fellow Wolf Pack sisters, A.N. Remtulla, tweeted about this letter on Father’s Day. I’ve though about my Dad, my husband, my boys and myself. But as a mom, I keep coming back to my own children. I’ve come to realize that not only do I want to raise my boys to think and act this way, but I also want them to be treated this way by the females in their lives. Boys deserve to be loved for all the right reason too. I don’t want someone to marry them for money or reasons lacking in depth. I want my boys to have someone that loves and respects them. Like Dr. Flanagan, that is the one and only thing their future partner and I MUST have in common.
But the pondering doesn’t stop there. It feels bigger than just my own kids.
I’ve come to realize we are living in a generation of terrorism. And I don’t just mean religious and political attacks. We terrorize each other. Our children are born without prejudice and it is a beautiful thing, but it also means that someone is teaching hate and disrespect. There are too many children who find it easier to hurt one another than help each other. Whether we realize it of not, we role model how to be bullies or we turn the other cheek, pretending not to see what is happening in front of us. We put our heads down, afraid to step up and speak up, for fear of what it will cost us, forgetting that our children think everything we do is interesting. They rarely do what we say, but they often do what we do. It is time to flood the world with every day heroes. Enough small gestures can tip the scales…
I recently got to attend an end of the year celebration for my 4th grader. He’s in Room 100 and he’s been with the same teacher and the same group of students for two years, but that is not the amazing part. What brought me to tears was the sense of community and family that this amazing teacher created for these children. She made it very clear from day one that she found each and every one of her students interesting and valuable. I believe her gestures acted like an invitation. Take a journey with me. She was suggesting that if those kids invested in each other, they would find a classroom of interesting and valuable people. And they did. It was a gift.
There’s no bullying in this classroom. Some days there are kids who make mistakes–kids who make poor choices. But there are no bullies. There also doesn’t seem to be a lot of shame or insecurity. Instead there appears to be a lot of joy. They sing, dance, perform, joke, play and laugh. They cheer each other on. I wish I could show you the videos. It would make your heart soar. The potential. No one threatened them to “not be bullies.” Instead, they showed them how to be friends. There is respect, and it hovers around this class like an aura. It is beautiful to witness. So many of the things that seem to be “our issues” don’t seem to be “their issues.”
There IS a difference between a child gaining resilience and a child being forced to survive.
Life and people will never be perfect, even in a great classroom in a really good school. In fact despite how much I adore what has happened in Room 100, I believe that my children still need to learn to roll with the punches–to weather other people’s mistakes. Life IS hard. They have to learn to navigate it in a healthy way.
I was recently reading a blog post by Kristen Lamb, on Handling Criticism, that included an experiment done in a Bio-dome. Under near perfect conditions, closely monitored trees planted within the dome, never grew as tall or strong as the trees that had to weather the storms outside. The trees in the wild were forced to make deep roots in order to hang on. Or grow tall to reach the sun. That is valuable. I do not want to take adversity away from my kids. It’s a tool they need to grow into amazing human beings. It is the doorway to kindness, empathy, success, self-worth and resilience. They need to learn to bend in the wind.
But they do not need to feel terror.
In Room 100, there isn’t perfection. There is not an absence of things gone wrong. Mistakes are made. Tears exist. But in the midst of all of that, something wonderful happened. Over the last two years, the teachers involved with this class showed up. They lead and the kids watched very carefully. Then they became interested in changing their world for the better. Who would have suspected that Room 100 would hold the secret to fighting the war on terror?
Today is the last full day of school for my youngest two boys. I’ll admit it, there have been years when I’ve said, “WHAT???? They are home already??? And for how long??? OMG!!!!” But they’re older now. And while there are still moments where I’d like to tie them to the stop sign on the corner with a FREE BOYS sign pinned to their chests, it’s mostly pretty awesome. Why is it so great? I could make a list including all the fun stuff we do, the mornings we sleep in, the lack of soccer practices and after school activities we have to attend, the absence of homework etc… but it really comes down to unscheduled time. Less rushing, more meandering. And it’s a good thing–the way day dreaming is good for writing.
What’s your favorite thing about summer? What would you do if you weren’t doing the things you have to do? Why does time move so slowly when you’re a kid and so fast when you’re an adult? Why am I overjoyed about not having to pack lunches for a whole summer when I still have to feed the kids lunch anyway? Life’s little mysteries…
At my boys’ school, the music teacher has what they call Fabulously Funny Friday. This isn’t exactly the same, but I thought it would be fun. Here’s some of my most recent chuckles…
I’ve noticed, that through a recent plethora of blog posts, articles and conversations, the topic of BALANCE keeps popping up for me.
“…an arch made of stone doesn’t even need mortar. The ancient Romans built arch bridges and aqueducts that are still standing today. The tricky part, however is building the arch, as the two converging parts of the structure have no structural integrity until they meet in the middle.”
Lamb, Robert, and Michael Morrissey. “How Bridges Work” 01 April 2000.
HowStuffWorks.com.
<http://science.howstuffworks.com/engineering/civil/bridge.htm> 11 June 2013.
When building a balanced arch, the two converging parts you’re talking about could be personal life and professional life. Or it might be practicality and risk. There are hundreds of combinations of the forces in our lives that need to lean up against each other to create balance. Today I’d like to talk about two major parts of the author arch–artistry and business. Publishing and Writing. I can’t say this enough. PUBLISHING IS A BUSINESS, BUT WRITING IS ART. And you need them BOTH to create a strong and magnificent arch. It doesn’t work until both sides meet in the middle.
Of course, this is the ideal spot in the blog for me to pull out my secret, magical, architectural plans and tell you how to make that perfectly balanced arch. *brace yourself* There are no secret, magical plans. Everyone arrives at balance a little differently because–well–we’re all different. And really, that’s a damn good thing. You don’t want a bucket load of Kimmiepoppins’ running around out there. That would be a problem.
But don’t feel like there isn’t something out there to sink your teeth into. What I can give you, are some tips to help you find your own way.
*Get rid of the GUILT. Most of the time we are not comparing ourselves to real people. The do-it-all super stars that we use as a measuring stick are usually not a complete picture. If we could see the BIG picture it would be a lot more obvious that the “perfect people” put their underwear on the same as us–one leg at a time. They have issues too, we just don’t hear about them until someone’s in rehab.
*Do you really want to be the next old thing? NO! You want to be the next new thing. The only way you can insure that you’re bringing something unique to the table is to bring yourself. This means believing that you’re special, valuable and that you have worth. Easier said than done, right? It’s easier to respect the quirk in other people than yourself, so let your friends remind you of your awesomeness and make sure you’re letting your friends know that they’ve got it going on.
*Slow down. We move too fast. We schedule to much. We think that if we day dream we’re lazy. We don’t take time to walk, talk, savor and explore. We don’t sleep, rest or relax enough. We don’t notice what’s around us. We definitely don’t listen the way that we should–eye to eye and without interruption. Some times less is more. Here’s the thing, if you write a really good book, it will sell no matter how long it took you to write it. I’ve never heard a publisher say, “This is a fabulous manuscript. I love it, but I can’t take it because well, it took you to long to write it.” The work must always speak for itself.
*BUT–put your butt in the chair and write more. Do I need to explain this further? You know I don’t. You can’t go under it. You can’t go over it. You can’t go around it. You’ve got to go through it.
*Stop thinking you can control everything. You can’t. It’s that simple. You can stack the deck in your favor but the lion’s share is out of your hands. Stuff happens. Stuff doesn’t happen.
*Everything is not always as it appears. One day I was getting ready to get on the highway. I had the strong urge to take the back roads instead. Once on the highway, I ran into a very big accident and traffic that was only inching along. I was kicking myself for not taking the back roads. If I had taken the back roads, I would have avoided all of this waisted time. BUT I also may have been hit by someone running a stop sign. I could have been killed. The point is–WE DON’T KNOW. We might think that we know. We can guess. But we don’t know. Ultimately I’ve had to come to a place where I believe that what happens to me is meant to happen to me. That the map, the plan for my life and soul, is way too big for me to be able to read it. It’s like looking at a pointillism painting from an inch away. It all looks like dots. Just dots, until you’re able to step back and see the full picture. Ahhhhh. I believe it’s pretty damn hard to impossible for us to see the full picture. But I’ve decided that mine is beautiful and I’m going to trust in that. And that folks, is how I build my arch.
And of course it got me thinking. Reviews ARE important. Really important. We live in a media and statistical world, at least until the zombie apocalypse comes. This means that review are right behind the act buying the book in importance to an author’s success.
Kinda cool. Kinda scary. But here’s how I’ve been visualizing it. It’s like surface space…
In today’s social media age, a book without reviews is like a flat piece of paper. It’s there, but it has trouble standing out. Add reviews (positive or negative) and the book starts to become more visible and textured. It’s surface space appears to expand and it catches the eye. There are more options to touch the surface. Yeah, I went there LOL!
The truth is, authors need your reviews, just as much as we need your word-of-mouth recommendations.
This, of course, got me thinking about effective marketing strategies. The world is a busy place. Who has the time to write a review when there are a zillion other things we could be or should be doing. I’m guilty of this myself. In such a busy world, is there an incentive to get those fingers typing?
I didn’t have to look far for a great idea. My wolf pack sister, Jennifer Iacopelli (debut author of GAME. SET. MATCH.) and her publisher Coliloquy came up with this…
— Jennifer Iacopelli (@jennifercarolyn) May 14, 2013
I LOVE the idea! So here’s what I’m going to do…
I would love to increase the number of reviews on my Amazon TOUCHING THE SURFACE page and my Barnes & Noble TOUCHING THE SURFACE page. If you write a review of TOUCHING THE SURFACE for Amazon, you’ll entered to win a $100 Amazon gift card. If you write one for Barnes & Noble, you’ll be entered to win a $100 Barnes & Noble gift card. If you’ve written a review on Goodreads already, all you have to do is post it to Amazon and Barnes & Noble for two entries. If you write one review for Amazon, it can also be posted on Barnes & Noble or visa versa. One review (that you may have already written) gets you entered once or twice for a gift card.
In order to make sure I can reach the winner, use this Rafflecopter to record your entry. The contest will be open for the whole summer. And I’ll be posting it on my website home page so it’s easy to follow. a Rafflecopter giveaway
Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. And if you have other authors that you love and you’d like to see them continue to put books on the shelf, help them out with a review. They will love you so much, they want to share their chocolate with you. I’m serious.
Can I just say, I was thrilled when I was asked to be part of The Official Blog Tour for WHEN YOU WERE HERE by the lovely and talented Daisy Whitney.
There is nothing I love more than promoting books and authors that I love.
Filled with humor, raw emotion, a strong voice, and a brilliant dog named Sandy Koufax, When You Were Here explores the two most powerful forces known to man-death and love. Daisy Whitney brings her characters to life with a deft touch and resonating authenticity.
Danny’s mother lost her five-year battle with cancer three weeks before his graduation-the one day that she was hanging on to see.
Now Danny is left alone, with only his memories, his dog, and his heart-breaking ex-girlfriend for company. He doesn’t know how to figure out what to do with her estate, what to say for his Valedictorian speech, let alone how to live or be happy anymore.
When he gets a letter from his mom’s property manager in Tokyo, where she had been going for treatment, it shows a side of his mother he never knew. So, with no other sense of direction, Danny travels to Tokyo to connect with his mother’s memory and make sense of her final months, which seemed filled with more joy than Danny ever knew. There, among the cherry blossoms, temples, and crowds, and with the help of an almost-but-definitely-not Harajuku girl, he begins to see how it may not have been ancient magic or mystical treatment that kept his mother going. Perhaps, the secret of how to live lies in how she died.
And because I love love you, dear blog reader, you get an exclusive (never before seen) video of Daisy in Japan!
And want the inside scoop on Laini, Danny’s sister? Here it is…
One of the things I really enjoy, as a reader and writer, is a character that is sometimes hard to love. I usually find these characters to have the most epic internal journeys and growth, which makes them really interesting to me. For me, Laini was that character in WHEN YOU WERE HERE. Yet, despite my frustration with her (and it got ugly at times LOL!) I couldn’t let her go. But I’m so glad i didn’t it. She had her own pain and she reminded me that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked two moons in someone else’s moccasins. Did you plan on having Laini turn out the way she did or was she a force of nature that simply took over when you were writing?
Yes! Thank you! Laini was always a bit cold, and she had her reasons. Being hard to love was a part of her character makeup from the start. She has a chip on her shoulder and she believes she has reasons for it. As such, she was a hell of a lot of fun to write with her sternness and self-righteousness! But I also think her relationship with Danny shows that while you might not ever be close with a sibling, you can at least respect and understand their choices. And though she’s nearer to brittle than not, I think Danny ultimately “gets” her.
If Laini could relive the last several years of her life, would she do anything differently?
She wouldn’t have left the family the way she did. She would have gone back and said the things she needed to say to their mom sooner. But she’s glad she eventually said them.
Family is a strong theme in WHEN YOU WERE HERE, the presence and the absence of it. What would Laini tell readers about family?
Embrace them. Love them. Don’t run from them. Don’t assume you know everything.
Daisy, you wrote a book that crosses cultural barriers in a wonderful way. As our world shrinks and becomes more and more interconnected, books like this become even more important. What do you think was Laini’s most important contribution to the cultural theme in WHEN YOU WERE HERE?
While I didn’t intend this as I wrote her, I would say she typifies how families today are created. She’d an adopted daughter from a foreign country, and the identity challenges she faces are ones other adopted children may confront. But she also feels an intense, deep-seated love for her homeland, and I think the depth of her love for China – a complex and fascinating country – is important to consider in our global world.
If WHEN YOU WERE HERE were a television series, Laini and Kana would be the characters I’d most like to see in a spin off series. Have you written the rest of their stories in your head? Would you ever consider giving us more Laini?
I have considered writing a story for Kana! I thinks she would be a fascinating main character. I often imagine a handsome British boy sweeps her off her feet. Perhaps that’s because I like British boys.
* * *
I know, I know–there can’t possibly be more to this awesomeness. But there is. I have FIVE copies of WHEN YOU WERE HERE to giveaway to some very lucky readers!!!!! *fist pump*
Last year I spent several days at BEA but this year I was only able to go down for the day. A day which started with my 8yo home from school. And if you know anything about me–that makes me crazy. Maybe I do have a little bit of a control freak streak that comes out from time to time. But my sitter (practically a big sister to my boys) was already lined up to hang with the 12 you for the day (he graduated to middle school the day before) so I decided to put on my fancy shoes and go anyway.
I’m so glad I wore those comfy puppies on my feet and stashed my fancy shoes and top in my bag for the Simon & Schuster Pulse/Aladdin happy hour. Because the first thing I had to do when I hit NYC was wait in about a 20 person taxi line in the sweltering heat. OMG! Liked the Wicked Witch of the West–I was melting!
This was when I only had 3 or 4 people in front of me and I was getting excited. LOL!
A sweaty but very happy me in the cab with air conditioning until….
My driver stopped at a red light, pulled out a book and started reading. It was pointed out to me how cool it was that I was going to Book Expo America and my cab driver was reading. NO! Sorry, not cool. Even with air conditioning–not cool! Unless a new Harry Potter book comes out–then I’ll totally let you do it. But that’s it.
Made it to BEA alive and who was waiting for me? Lisa Lueddecke from The Young Adult Connection. <3 We were roomies for BEA last year and this was our 1 year Friendaversary. It was so awesome to see her, but I’m going to straight up say that between her evil, painful shoes, my lunch with my agent and the poor cell phone service, I didn’t see her nearly as much as I wanted to. Such a tease. We are totally going to have to Skype or something. Soon. If I could figure out how to Skype. I seriously have SDD Skype Deficit Disorder. *le sigh*
But just like old times, Lisa and I went ARC hunting and we found OMG!!!! LAUREN MYRACLE!!!!!!! AND I HUGGED HER!!!!!! AND SHE IS MORE AWESOME IN REAL LIFE THAN ALL CAPS CAN REALLY EXPLAIN.
And of course I had lunch and hung out with the agent of awesome…MICHELLE WOLFSON!!!! One of my favorite things in the whole world. <3 I also got to finally meet my Wolf Pack Sistah, Jennifer Iacopelli, debut author of GAME. SET. MATCH. Which I started reading on the train ride home and LOVE!!!!! And I also ran into my local book buddy and friend Emily.
There was more, a hazy hot blur of more. I actually ran into a lot more friends and met a bunch of amazing new people between BEA and the Pulse/Aladdin Happy Hour, but my phone battery!!!! The Javits Center eats battery bars for snacks, but on the bright side I met old and new friends while hanging at the charging station. LOL!
So, what have I decided about BEA? I need less than three and a half days and just a little bit more than one. And on the bucket list…I plan on signing there at some point. And on that note–it’s back to work.
PS I’d just like to add that I REALLY REALLY WANTED an ARC of FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell. And I may have threatened to mug a young book blogger at the charging station, when she whipped out her copy. But I didn’t. So–there was that. What book from BEA would you have almost mugged a book blogger for?
Today is the official relaunch day for the BOOKANISTAS!!!! If you’ve been following along, you know that I’m one of the newest members of this group. When I was invited to join the Bookanistas I jumped at the chance because they are perfectly in line with my own personal feelings about reviewing books.
Nothing But Love Policy
The Bookanistas ONLY recommend and review young adult, middle grade, and picture books we truly love!
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but as an author, I feel there is no room in my life for negatively critiquing the work of my peers. If I have a book gripe, I share it on a personal level, not a public one. But on the other hand, I have multiple reasons for wanting to positively promote books.
Here are some of my reasons…
*It helps authors to have reviews posted in places like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Goodreads etc… If you want to help your favorite author continue to write books, please support and endorse them. It does help, but even if it didn’t, I’m positive it would make that author very, very happy to know you care.
*I love connecting books I love with people I love. *fist pump* And it’s even more fun if after the connection, we get to talk about the books. Yup–I’m a book nerd and seriously proud of it!
*I enjoy writing quirky reviews. I am incredibly impressed with the time and effort that goes into the in-depth reviews that most bloggers write, but I honestly don’t feel I can live up to the standard they’ve set. Rather than not share at all, I review books in my own unique way. I try to see the book through my own personal filter. Hopefully, by coming at it a little differently, I catch the attention of someone who will love the book the way that I do .
Not sure what a REALLY UNIQUE Kim review might look like? Here’s an example… LOL!
*I read reviews. They help me to pick out my own books. I can only read about 100 books a year (I hate that I’m such a slow reader) so I like to increase my chances of finding something utterly awesome. Plus, I’m simply fascinated by the fact that so many different people can feel completely different emotions about the same book. The oddities and intricacies of human nature simply suck me in, I also like being a part of the process–not just a taker, but a giver too.
As I mentioned earlier, with May drawing to a close, we’re celebrating the start of summer and another great beginning: THE RELAUNCH OF THE BOOKANISTAS! New members, new logo, new website design and a whole lot more of the book love we all adore!
THE WINNER OF THE BOOKANISTA RELAUNCH GIVEAWAY OF AWESOME WILL RECEIVE
Signed copies of these Bookanista-authored books…
IF I LIE and TOUCHED by Corrine Jackson PLUS ARCs of JUST ONE DAY and SPEECHLESS
LET THE SKY FALL by Shannon Messenger
BY BLOOD by Tracy Banghart
POSSESSION, SURRENDER and ABANDON by Elana Johnson
TOUCHING THE SURFACE by Kimberly Sabatini (plus a swag surprise)
BAD TASTE IN BOYS by Carrie Harris
AUDITION by Stasia Ward Kehoe
THE GIRL GUIDE by Christine Fonseca (plus sweet swag)
MILA 2.0 by Debra Driza
LEVEL 2 by Lenore Appelhans
AND A SECOND WINNER WILL GET A BOX FILLED WITH Bookanista-beloved reads including WILL GRAYSON WILL GRAYSON (signed!) by John Green & David Levithan, DITCHED by Robin Mellom, JELLICO ROAD by Melina Marchetta, TAKEN by Erin Bowman, CLOCKWORK ANGEL by Cassandra Clare, MONSTROUS BEAUTY by Elizabeth Fama and SPARROW ROAD by Sheila O’Connor.
